pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
