hell yes lets make some ravioli
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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