You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
