My liver just broke up with me...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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