god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
