My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
