I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
