When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
