so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Farmville is her only friend.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
