Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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