I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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