she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
do nipples grow back?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
