dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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