so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
