"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
