dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
