Got a toothbrush?
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Is it because I queefed?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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