We're facebook friends in real life
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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