If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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