She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
