I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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