My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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