What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
