I accidentally burped into my bong.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
