DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
