i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
