hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
