see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
