Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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