Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
