in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
