This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
