at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
how drunk are you?
Several
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
