Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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