is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
