every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Pooping to opera.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
