I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
