From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
