I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
im on a boat
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