Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
