the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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