I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
