I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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