I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
