i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
