Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
