Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
