He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
