If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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