What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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