Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
