This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
