i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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