Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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